Tom Waits Bar Inspection Report
To: Mr. T. Waits
From: Department of Inspection
The recent inspection of your bar (conducted near closing time) has brought to light the following unusual deficiencies:
The piano appears to be intoxicated.
Men’s neck apparel suffers from narcolepsy.
The band is not present, and is rumored to have fled to New York for reasons unknown
The jukebox is emitting fluids
The house lighting gives the illusion that convicts are escaping from a federal penitentiary, which is disconcerting at best.
The telephone will not dispense cigarettes.
The balcony is investigating ways of netting large profits.
It is difficult to locate serving staff, even when utilizing a geiger counter. (Note: This is actually positive, as it indicates they are not radioactive as they were rumored to be).
The serving staff is ill-tempered.
The lighting technician does not have adequate depth perception, and is arguably totally blind.
The on-call piano tuner is hard of hearing, and has brought unauthorized personnel to the area (namely his mother).
The bouncer is morbidly obese.
Menu item “Cream Puff Casper Milk Toast” makes no sense.
The owner has the functional intellectual capacity of a fence post.
Bar stools are routinely combusting into flames.
Newspapers provided at bar are not accurate.
There is a dearth of ashtrays.
And, once again, it bears noting that the piano, somehow, appears to be intoxicated.