Facts About The Founders
Even an Irish Setter can show its patriotism for America today! Photo by Camylla Battani on Unsplash
As America celebrates its Sasquatchecentennial, it is a good time to take a look back at the beginning of the great experiment that is America. Also that one where you make a volcano with baking soda. Both are messy and unpredictable, but you can’t deny they are both interesting.
In order to celebrate this momentous day in our nation’s history, it is a good time to look back on some lesser known facts about those who played a vital role in the establishment of America. They did some bad stuff too, but, like most historians, I am just going to flat out ignore that today.
Here are some interesting tidbits about the founding fathers (and mothers! also aunts and uncles) of these United States of America.
1. George Washington is rumored to have had wooden teeth. This is simply not true. His teeth were forged from mithril carried from the Dwarves mines of Khazad-dum beneath the Misty Mountains. It is said that these teeth could only be destroyed by casting them into the heart of the fires burning in Mt. Doom.
2. Benjamin Franklin invented those weird birds that look like they are drinking red liquid from a cup, but they are not.
3. John Quincy Adams was not a real guy. He was just John Adams trying out Quincy as a new name. He was also a vampire.
4. Samuel Adams was a member of the Continental Congress and one of the key organizers of the Boston Tea Party. His business rival Bud Weiser organized the first ever Colonial Spring Break party and flew around in a hot air balloon with his name on it.
5. Betsy Ross not only sewed the first American flag. She also created the first novelty buggy bumper stickers. They featured such slogans as “Oats, Tobacco or Tea, No one rides for free!” and “If thoust can read this, you have not left enough room for the Holy Spirit”.
6. Thomas Jefferson had a massive and renowned library, 3/4 of which was filled with Voltaire fan fiction he drafted while bored at Monticello. The most well known of these is “Fifty Shades of Candide”.
7. While Paul Revere’s April 18, 1775 ride did happen, the Boston silversmith did not, in fact, proclaim “The British are coming!” as he rode his horse throughout the area. Instead, he said “The British are bumming….me out!” Still, the call helped rally the colonists who were also low key fed with those wig wearing jerks.
8. Abraham Lincoln was not yet born, even though most people think he was. This is more an indictment of modern education than anything else, honestly. But, if he had been born, one thing’s for sure. He’d have worn a different hat.
9. On the back of the Declaration of Independence is a cartoon that is likely the basis for Ziggy. It is unlikely this was Jefferson’s work, as he had already expressed a desire to create a “Cartoon about a lazy soldier named Beetle.” It is believed that Jefferson’s idea is what directly led to the adoption of the Third Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
10. While we all know that George Washington was named our first president, it was almost Virginia delegate John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. However, a New York representative by the same name was also in the running and split the vote. The confusion was increased when the two representatives would leave Independence Hall and passers by would point and shout, “There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, da da da da da da da”
11. There were originally 14 colonies, but everyone just kind of forgot one of them. It may have been named Eric.
Lady Liberty has certainly had her tough times, but she’s a resilient dame and we owe it to her to keep the party going. Happy birthday, ma’am. You don’t look a day over 225!
The above is parody, which, frankly, should be obvious.
