Interview With Death
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It was the same familiar hotel suite in which I had interviewed two individuals claiming to be vampires. Were they? That is for you to decide. Tonight’s subject is different. They contacted me and offered the interview after making a claim that was so hard to believe that I had to give it some attention.
The subject walked into the room at precisely 11:30 p.m., the time we had set. She wore a simple black dress that matched her shoulder length hair. She smiled as she walked in. There was, I admit, something compelling about her that drew me to her at once. And her smile showed me that she knew the effect she had on me.
She extended her hand, “Don’t worry. It happens with everyone I meet.”
I nodded and offered her a seat. I offered her a bottle of water or a cup of coffee, but she declined, suggesting we get right to the interview, as she had a very busy schedule.
The following is a transcript:
*****
Q: I guess we should start with your name.
A: I’m Death. I suppose I could give you a ridiculous false name like Jenny Grimm, or even Lady Death or something like that. But that would imply I am not the one and only. Which I am.
Q: That’s quite a claim. Off the bat, I have to ask why should my readers believe that.
A: Do you want me to prove it to you?
Q: Are you saying…
A: No. Just messing with you. I’m not here for you. Not today.
Q: Do you know when?
A: Not offhand. I could find out. I have a database. But I just look at my “to do” list each day. Do you want me to look it up?
Q: I notice you are looking at a cell phone.
A: Yes. I can access the database online.
Q: Can anybody do that?
A: No. No. We have heavenly encryption. It’s very good. Here we go. I do have your date of death. Do you want it?
Q: I don’t know, do I?
A: It’s up to you, but I wouldn’t get it if I were you. People who know when they are going to die live very odd lives. You know the end is coming, however far - or for that matter - near it may be.
Q: I think I’ll pass then.
A: Smart move.
Q: You mentioned heavenly encryption. Does that mean you work for Heaven.
A: It’s complicated. Technically, yes. I am an angel. You know, the whole “Angel of Death” think. I don’t know why they threw “of” in there. It doesn’t actually make sense when you think about it.
Q: So, do you harvest soul’s only for Heaven?
A: I make no judgment. I only harvest release the souls. I don’t assign their final destination.
Q: Which is what?
A: Ah, now we are getting into faith. And people have many, many beliefs here. Heaven and Hell, Purgatory, Valhalla, nowhere at all. I don’t think it’s particularly useful to give you a concrete answer here. After all, faith can be destroyed as easily by a truth as it can be by a lie.
Q: Ok, I’ll move on.
A: You are kind.
Q: I have to say I wasn’t expecting…
A: A woman?
Q: I guess not. I expected someone to show up of more traditional appearance.
A: Oh you wanted the whole black cloak and scythe experience. I did used to dress like that. Back then, I was more visible. Blame it on the plague, I suppose. But there were reasons then. First, the cloak disguised my gender. Back then no one would have been comfortable with a woman in my job, and I do try to put people at ease. Two, black is easy to care for. It hides stains reasonably well. And, of course, I carried the scythe because I was literally harvesting souls, hence the Grim Reaper. Not a lot of people really make that connection, you know?
Q: Why the change?
A: Well, I realized the whole outfit gave people the willies. And I don’t want that. They are having a bad enough day as it is. And, of course, in this modern age, not a lot of people even know what a scythe is, at least outside of rural farming areas. That’s what happens when you transition from an agrarian society to an urban one, you know?
Q: Circling back, I am not particularly surprised at your gender. Pop culture has been using female versions of Death for a while now.
A: True.
Q: Do you have a favorite portrayal of - well - you from movies or TV?
A: Jessica Lange from All That Jazz. It’s not even close. She got the vibe I am going for.
Q: You mentioned when we met that you are used to the feelings people get when they meet you. I don’t know how to describe it.
A: Oh, it’s a mix of longing and fear. It makes me irresistible, not to brag. It’s why people do such dumb things. Somewhere they are hoping to get to spend some time with me. So, don’t feel embarrassed. It’s really quite common.
Q: I see.
A: It explains why people jump out of planes, or scuba dive, or Johnny Knoxville’s entire career.
Q: Let’s talk about logistics. Are you the only Death, or do you have assistants?
A: Like Santa’s elves?
Q: Well, sure.
A: No. It’s just me.
Q: But that raises a question. There’s roughly 150,000 deaths a day worldwide.
A: Yesterday was closer to 145,000, but that sounds about right.
Q: Regardless, the question is, how do you visit that many people in a day.
A: The answer is that I simply do not. I only show up when someone’s time has come, and for whatever reason they need a little encouragement to follow the light.
Q: So there is a light?
A: Oh yes. Like at a comedy club. When it flashes, your time is up. So, a lot of time, I am visiting people in hospitals who are hanging on harder than most. But it can be many other situations. The man who turned left when he was supposed to turn right on a street. The girl who - for reasons unknown to her - didn’t get on her usual train, which derails killing most of the passengers.
Q: This sounds like Final Destination.
A: I don’t drive a log truck around.
Q: So, how do you do, well, your job.
A: I talk to them, comfort them, entice them, and then ultimately I just touch them, and that’s that.
Q: You touched me earlier today. We shook hands. I’m still alive.
A: Or are you?
Q: Wait, are you….
A: Just messing with you. There has to be intention, and, of course it has to be time.
Q: So, how does that usually work.
A: I usually boop them on the nose. It’s cute.
Q: Oh, okay.
A: Not really. That would be incredibly disrespectful. Most of the time it’s a hug, but sometimes it’s just a supportive hand on the shoulder.
Q: What happens then?
A: Their soul - or whatever you want to call it - departs and heads to either judgment or oblivion, whichever is real.
Q: You don’t know?
A: I do, but I can’t tell you that. We covered this earlier.
Q: Fine. So, you talk to these people and comfort them before you kill them?
A: That’s putting it bluntly, but fair enough.
Q: So that means you speak all languages.
A: No. I only speak the Angelic language, but I understand all of them. From the ancient to the modern.
Q: But I understand you fine.
A: That’s how it works. Those who listen to the Angelic language hear it in their own tongue. Neat trick, isn’t it?
Q: Is the language you speak Enochian?
A: No. That’s just made up. It’s just called Angelic.
Q: Is it painful when they die.
A: No. Quite the opposite. It is peaceful and calming. Still, I recognize that for most people a nap would be a better option.
Q: Do you ever have a tough time, emotionally, with what you do.
A: I am an angel, so my purpose fills my essence. Sure, I don’t like helping a baby find her way or a scared old man find his. But it is all part of the higher plan, which is not mine to question.
Q: Why did you reach out to me.
A: There’s a lot of fear out there about me. There shouldn’t be. If you meet me, I am really there just to help; to make your ending more pleasant and smooth. As Blue Oyster Cult once said, “Don’t fear the reaper.” I think that’s my big take away.
Q: How do you feel about cowbell?
A: We all need more! (laughs)
Q: Any final thoughts you’d like to share?
A: Only that when your time comes, don’t try to push me away. I will be there to help make it easier for you.
Q: Very good.
A: Also, start leaving out cookies for me. Is that too much to ask?
Q: What kind?
A: I’m not picky. Before I leave, I wanted you to know that when your mother passed, I visited her. She was lovely, and she was very proud of you.
Q: Are you playing with me now?
A: No. Not at all. Her soul was bright. I see a lot of you in her.
Q: That is very kind. I truly appreciate that.
A: Of course. See you again soon.
Q: Wait, does that mean. . .
A: That your time is up before the month is through?
<SILENCE>
A: Again, just playing with you. And I do look forward to seeing you again, no matter how far away that meeting is.
Q: Thank you.
A: Or how close.
Q: Do you mean. . .
A: I’m running behind tonight, I really must go. (Interviewee then “booped” my nose and left the suite).
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