Photo: Nightmare Fuel by Michael Day from Flickr under a Creative Commons (CC-BY-2.0) license
There are some scenarios that are so horrible to consider that considering them should not be an option to a reasonable mind. But, therein lies the rub, dear readers. Our minds are not reasonable. Instead they are vaults of terror that no one was meant to endure.
Below are a list of my nightmare scenarios. Read them at your peril!
1. Being trapped on the tour bus for Stomp. When they aren't banging on stuff, they will explain to you the theories behind their art. Which they do insist on calling art.
2. Attending a Nothing But Trouble film festival.
3. Stuck on a deserted island with nothing to read but the Ayn Rand Omnibus.
4. Forced to attend any kind of sing along event.
5. Receiving a position as a ghost writer for the comic strip, Mallard Filmore.
6. Hosting a celebrity dinner that is attended only by the cast of Punky Brewster. Except for Soleil Moon Frye.
7. Leading a discussion group for seventh grade boys the day after they see Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the first time.
8. Being tried by a jury of ducks. This one is admittedly unlikely and not currently permissible under U.S. law.
9. Going to the theater to see Les Miserables, only to find that the orchestra has been replaced by four guys playing recorders. WHICH I THOUGHT WAS ONLY LEGALLY PLAYABLE BY CHILDREN.
10. Speed dating with a bunch of squirrels.
11. Flying cross-country in the middle seat between Bill Maher and Alex Jones.
12. Having a ham sandwich with no mustard or pickles. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.