“Behold! A haberdasher!” By F. S. Hynd (File:Amazing Stories Volume 01 Number 01.djvu) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Once again it is time to peel back the onion of lies and cry in wonder at FACTS THAT WILL ASTONISH! All of these facts are ASTONISHINGLY not TRUE!
1. The marketing character, the Kool-Aid Man, is based on President Zachary Taylor, who had a penchant for bursting into cabinet meetings and shouting “Oh Yeah!”. Also, he had a glass face due to a childhood injury.
2. Pop Tarts were originally invented as quilt warmers for first class zeppelin passengers.
3. The phrase “A penny saved is a penny earned” was written by Benjamin Franklin after a rowdy Philadelphia mob chucked pennies at him during a signing of Poor Richard’s Almanac.
4. No hyena has ever circumnavigated the globe.
Stupid hyena. By Liaka ac [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
5. The phrase “Mad as a hatter” derives from the fact that all haberdashers in 1800’s London were insane ghouls.
6. Every human being on the planet could actually live comfortably in an area the size of Texas. But only if you somehow shrunk them down significantly.
7. The first man-made object in space was a waffle iron.
8. Penguins mate for life. Which explains why they get very little done. Cheeky devils.
“Who has no thumbs and is about to get busy for life…this guy!” Andrew Shiva / Wikipedia, via Wikimedia Commons
9. The first movie to win the Academy Award for Best Picture was Pardon My Backfire, starring the Three Stooges. Shemp Howard took home the award for best cinematography that year, primarily because no one knew what that word meant at the time.
10. Ethel Merman invented the asparagus fork.
11. The Great Wall of China is actually a portion of an unfinished house for a giant who stopped paying the contractors due to financial issues.
12. Elephants never forget anything, but you’d never know it because the daffy bastards can’t talk.