The Second Annual Oscar Predictions From A Guy Who Hasn't Seen Many Movies In A While And Who Also Has No Access To A List Of Nominees For Some Reason
A gaggle of Oscars! By Prayitno [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
The 90th Annual Academy Awards ceremony kicks off this Sunday, I think! All the stars will be there. And not just any stars! I'm talking about the big ones, like Jennifer Love Lawrence and Mandy Patinkin!
This year's ceremony will be broadcast live in all time zones, and will be hosted by Jimmy Kimmel again. I hope he's funny! But you want to know something? You can bet he will be!
In addition to the real awards, there will also be technical awards given out for people who invent things like "film with extra sprocket holes" or "fancy lights" or "robots that replace three grips!"
There will also be the sad "In Memories Real!" This will give you the time to shout out "I didn't know she died!" or "I thought he died years ago!" or "How come Ernest Borgnine isn't in this year's list?" or "Who is that?" You get the idea!
And now it's time for the protections! Fill out your ballot sheets now, because these are some red hot winners!
Best Picture: I bet there were some great movies this year. I didn't see that many of them, but I know a winner when I don't see one! There are two biography movies this year, I hear! Zero Darkest Hour is about Winston Smith, former Prime Minister of London! Another bio-pic is Lady Bird, and it is about LBJ's wife! I bet that one's something! I think another one is Dunkirk: Saving Private Ryan II, and there's also Three Billboards Outside Missoula, Montana which may be a Cohen Brothers movie (Joe usually directs!). I think there's also Get Out Of Here! and The Wall Street Post! Maybe there's also You Can Call Me Al, which may be good. But the winner is going to have to be The Water Man! It's about a woman who falls in love with a gila monster
Best Actress: In my family there's a saying, and that's "If Meryl Streep is nominated, she's going to win!" So if she is, she will! Another one of my family's sayings is "Hey, take out the trash won't you!"
Best Actor: It's a tough year! Gary Oldingham is nominated, as is Daniel Kaluha! Daniel Day Louis Stevenson is nominated for a remake of Phantom of the Opera, and Timothy something is in the running! But the most interesting thing is that Denzel Washington and some guy named Roman J. Israel are nominated for the same movie, but I don't know what it is. I'm going with Daniel Day Louis Stevenson, because I still like to go around saying "I'll drink your milkshake, friend-o!" It cracks me up!
Best Supporting Actress: This is a real "who's who of folks with real acting chops!" There Ocarina Spencer and Mary Jane Barge! There's that lady that used to be on Roseanne and someone named Lesley, I think. But the winner will be Alice Janey, who I really liked on The West Wing as press secretary J.C. Cregg! She's even good in that show How I Met Your Mom, I assume. I sure don't watch it though!
Best Supporting Actor: Man oh man! This is a tough one! Christopher Plummer is up for the award, and he's been around forever! He was in the Sound of Music and played Grand Moff Tarkin in the original Star Wars! But the most interesting thing is that Sam Rocketman and Woody Haroldson are nominated for appearing in the same movie. That billboard one. They may even play the same guy. Or twins. I'm not sure. Anyway, let's give this one to Woody, because he was snubbed for White Men Can't Jump!
Best Screenplay: They give out two of these, for some reason. I think that Aquaman movie will win one of these. Maybe the one about the guys hanging out in Italy or wherever.
Best Director: Well, if I could pick this one, I could be the King of France! Jordan Almond is nominated Get Out Of Town, Buster! And Gina Gershon is nominated for Lady Bug! Paul Tom Anderson is nominated for The Phantom Menace, and Chris Nolan is going for gold with Duncan! But the smart money (which I think mine is!), go with Guillaramo Gran Torino for The Water Devil And Ms. Jones!
Best Cinematography: I don't know. Someone named Ernst.
Best Documentary: I bet there's one about bees or something. I'd like to see that. I hope it wins.
Best Animated Movie: I don't know. My kid seemed to like the one about the bull because it had sassy dancing horses. So that one could win. Or that other one, Choo-Choo, I think?
Best Visual Effects: Did you know there was a new Blade Runner movie? Well, I hear there was. I bet it looked good. I'll go with that. Or that Water Boy movie..
Best Foreign Film:Geez Louise, I am going to guess it's something from Sweden!
Best Song: As always, I am going with something by Elton John!
That's a wrap on this year's ACADEMY AWARD PREDICTION BONANZA! (still trademarked!) Have fun during the show, and afterwards, I'll see you at the Brown Derby!