Report From the Military Tribunal of Sgt. Pepper

City of London: Lady Justice from St. Paul’s by Chris Downer, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Honestly, do you know how hard it is to find a British military tribunal photo or a relevant Sgt. Pepper photo that is licensed for reuse? Trust me, it’s no picnic. But this is at least from London, and is pretty cool, so just go with it.

The tribunal met to consider charges of dereliction of duty against Sgt. John Paul Pepper (age 44). Sgt. Pepper was accused of failing to discharge his duties regarding the leadership of a troop under his auspices within the 3rd Division, Armoured Brigade Combat Team (HQ 12th, Wiltshire).

Evidence at the tribunal overwhelmingly showed that for the last twenty years (to the day), Sgt. Pepper has failed to drill his charges in proper combat techniques, but has instead devoted that time to teaching them how to play in a band.

Witness, former Corporal William “Billy” Shears, was reluctant to testify at first, but he eventually – as they say in the criminal justice system – sang. Ultimately, although he encouraged other members of Sgt. Pepper’s troop to also testify (or “sing along”), he was the sole rank and file witness. Shears testified that the music he was required to play under Sgt. Pepper’s watch was sometimes popular (or “in style”) and sometimes it was not. He noted, in an apparent defense of the accused, that the band never failed to elicit smiles from listeners.

Shears further testified that the band first played for unmarried individuals who had formed a “Lonely Hearts Club,” and that the accused glommed onto that fact in naming the ensemble “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”.

Shears stated that due to a lack of proper training he was severely injured during a wargame simulation when he inadvertently steered a tank into a ditch. The resulting injuries led to Shears being medically discharged from the British Army following treatment by Dr. Maxwell Edison. Had he been properly trained, he would have known that instead of travelling across country and into a ditch he should do it in the road instead.

Shears testified that he has had a difficult time finding work since his discharge, but that he manages to get by with a little help from his friends.

Sgt. Pepper offered little by way of defense, relying on his somewhat sad family history. Pepper’s father was a physician in London until he was canned when the accused was young. Following this, Sgt. Pepper was assaulted by a mean and Shaker named Mustard (first name unknown). Not long after this incident, the accused decided he should join the military.

Sgt. Pepper showed appropriate contriteness, indicating that it was wonderful to be before the tribunal, adding that he would like - or even love - to take the hearing officer home with him, presumably to present a day in the life review to garner sympathy.

At this point, the hearing officer stopped the show, advised Sgt. Pepper that he thought he'd like to know he was guilty of the charge.

Due to the serious and long-term intentional misconduct, Sgt. Pepper will serve 20 years in a military prison, making him eligible for release when he’s 64.

The above is satire, which, frankly, should be obvious.