Rejected Winter Olympic Games
Athletes from around the globe have gathered in Pyeongchang, South Korea for the Winter Olympics. The world is watching to see athletes skate for speed or beauty, We thrill as we watch the best of the best hurl themselves down hills on skis, bobsleds, and luges. And we all hold our breath as competitors march around in a circle carrying their flags.
But, there are a number of things we will not see the athletes do, because the fuddy-duddies with the International Olympic Committee refused to approve a number of proposed new events for the Olympic games. Following is a list of the events that will not get their time to shine in South Korea.
1. Ice Musical Chairs
All nations would have had their athletes participate at once in a game of musical chairs on ice. They'd skate around as some song like Pop Goes The Weasel plays, and then they'd fight for the remaining seat. Sure, it'd take a while, but one game and we're done with the whole thing.
Competitors would cross-country ski, participate in target shooting, build snowmen and make snow angels. This was nixed because there was concern Luxembourg would dominate.
3. Actual Skeleton
Athletes would slide down an icy hill riding on bones from deceased people. Some argue this was disrespectful, but all skeletons are from deceased former Olympians and broadcast announcers who volunteered their bones for this.
4. Snowball Fight
Judges would score teams on style as well as the number of snowballs that hit the other team's members smack dab in the face.
5. Fencing, but with icecicles
6. Rocket Powered Ski Jump
This was deemed to be too awesome.
7. Competitive Ice Fishing
This was deemed too boring even by the standards of cross-country skiing enthusiasts.
It's curling, but with two angry lions on the ice.
9. Ice Soccer
Rejected, because that's basically hockey. Only with sticks instead of feet.
10. Speed Skate Dating
Scoring based on both how quickly the athletes complete the race and on how well they answer a series of dumb questions asked of them during the event.
11. Ice Slam Poetry
No one wants it.
12. Ski Jump Biathlon
Skiers try to shoot blimps with rifles at the apex of their jump. IOC determined they did not have the blimp budget and there was something about safety concerns.
13. Snow Shotput
Athletes just go outside an lob a shootout into the snow. Determined to be dumb.
Like bobsledding, but all competitors must be named Hank. Many nations argued they don't have people named Hank, and would, therefore, be at a disadvantage.
15. It Figures Skating
Athletes perform a skating routine and then deliver a monologue on some minor injustice they have suffered. Nothing serious!