Comprehensive Sports Reforms Announced
- Zurich, Switzerland
In the wake of recent arrests related to alleged corruption within the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) and the resignation of FIFA President Sepp Blatter, soccer’s premiere governing body has announced a series of sweeping reforms.
“Our goal is to not only cleanse the game of corruption, perceived and real, but also to make the game more accessible and interesting to the general public,” said FIFA spokesperson Newt Figgerson.
FIFA, along with every other major sports sanctioning organization in the world joined together in a day long conference in Zurich to announce changes to their events to increase the popularity of all sports on a global level.
The key reforms are listed below, with quotes from spokespeople from the various sanctioning organizations:
Soccer: “We will just play until someone gets the first point and then be done with it. Game over. Go home. This will make the sport more bearable.”
Basketball: “We are all tired of games in which the last couple of minutes last forever due to penalties stopping the clock. From now on, penalties don’t stop the clock. Instead we deduct points from the offending team. That’ll make them think twice before they go into this foul nonsense.”
Boxing: “A match can only be won by knockout. Period. The end. That’s what people want to see. So let’s just be done with subjective scoring. You want to win a boxing match? You knock your opponent out. Bam. We’re done here.”
Baseball: “I think we can all agree that baseball is a tedious, dull affair. To spice things up, from now on we’re going to include random breakaway balls that are filled with angry hornets. That’ll make things intriguing.” Baseball officials also announced that fans will be issued bats at all games, and they can, if so inclined, run onto the field and chase players while trying to “whale on them” with the bats.
American Football: “Henceforth, quarterbacks cannot be taller than 5'4”. In addition, we’re getting rid of field goals, because field goals are for babies and losers.”
Figure Skating: “We’re just going to stop pretending it’s a sport at all. Sorry we kept doing that.”
Auto Racing: “We’re taking motors out of all vehicles and requiring drivers to propel their cars with their feet. Like Fred Flintstone. That'll take real athleticism, and not just being able to turn left and press a pedal."
Quidditch: "Well, the problem with Quidditch is obvious, isn't it? We're going to make it so getting the Golden Snitch is not the one and only way to win this ill thought out sport. Muggle Hufflepuff Slytherin Wazoo!!!"
Fencing: "Give them all pirate cutlasses, and have them fight over doubloons and such."
Golf: "We're going to add an American Ninja style course between the tee and the putting surface. Make these guys prove they can do more than hit a ball with an expensive stick. The sport would do better if really out of shape guys can't do well at it, don't you think?"
Swimming: "Fill the pools with Jell-o. It'll be hilarious, and imagine the sponsorship dollars!"
Hockey: "Give them all shotguns, and remove penalties."
All other sports: "Get rid of all other sports. Who needs nonsense like Cricket, skiing events and running around? Enough already."